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XxPhenomenonxX
05-01-2007, 11:21 PM
So.... I finally decided to start a blog. So I can I post my pointless ramblings about my boring life in my own little special section. yay me.
Well for my first post I won't put in too much, because I have to get up in the morning and help my mom out in the christain bookstore, because right now she is a fill-in and since I don't have a job of my own yet, I have no choice, or anything else to do with my time anyway.
So today I got up at 3:30 this afternoon, had a headache, ate dinner, got into a little heated discussion with my mom : (about how I wasted 2yrs since after I graduated, and that I need to start seeking God instead of looking at all bad and how it won't work out eventhough God never let me down before) got online, showered, the end.

rozie_girl
05-01-2007, 11:24 PM
i used to work in a Christian bookstore with my dad. it was work, but i liked it better than most of the other jobs i've had. :) heated discussions with parents are NEVER fun!!!! *hugs* keep pressing on towards the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Love ya!!!

~ mary ~

XxPhenomenonxX
05-01-2007, 11:40 PM
it's not really my job though, I mean I'm not complaining as far as having to work, my mom does give me a little money when there's extra after our bills are paid, but I want my own. I really don't have to do as much, just assist if my mom needs me. but it's really boring, I just hate getting up when there's nothing to do lol because i hate mornings. but the rule is as long as I'm still at home I have to go in with her. and until I get my own job and my own life. Which I need because I'm tired of having to beg for everything. and because money is tight for us these days. so i figure if I'm going to have things, i need to work, because my dad's child support won't last forever and can only stretch so far anyways. so yeah i need a job, and I'm tired of monotony

Blackbeltguitar
05-02-2007, 10:20 PM
In my opinion, life is as boring as you make it. (btw, ne time you want me to shutup let me know :]) Try for a job at walmart, or publix or Sweetbay, kroger, or a Fast Food place. If you get a job there you'll have a job, you'll have some money, you won't get up for nothing.

XxPhenomenonxX
05-03-2007, 11:23 PM
I guess, I don't know i'm tired of feeling this way.
I know I need to something soon, and I want to, but for some reason I feel like something is holding me back.
last night was not a good night again. So I was just sittting at the comp, as usual, and my mom. says "all you do is get on the internet, or sleep ,when will you get it,your child support ends soon, you can't do this forever blah, blah...." what have I raised? you're so freaking lazy and you have no motivation.

things blow up, I get mad and try to explain myself, and I got accused of starting a argument when I didn't.
and then she says "why don't grow up already? you act 12 and have no responsibility'' . It wasn't what she said that me angry, but how she said it, and getting accused of whining. and saying that I won't hold down a job anyway because I don't even get out of bed and sleep all day or get online.

I don't think it's just because i'm lazy, I think it's more than that. I want to go college and work, but yet i'm feel like somethings holding me back, fear paralizing me, I just don't have any self-confidence, or self-worth. all I can think of is: ''why bother, you can't do anything right, you'll just fail at anything, you wasted 2yrs since you graduated and you have no money for college so you'll have no future like you wanted, you're ugly you look and act 12, you're dumb, why would anyone even hire you? you get nervous around people anyway so you'll screw up. you won't last.you're just lazy and worthless and have nothing to contribute to society and that's why you have/will have no friends because of all this".

I try to shake this off because I know that these feelings aren't from God, in fact I feel ashamed to feel this way , but they keep coming back. and it just drains and depresses me, and so I always feel tired and no energy or just feel everything so pointless so why get out of bed anyway? and everyone thinks i'm lazy.
and I told my mom this during our discussion. I know she loves me, but doesn't understand. however I think she is right on one thing, and it took me forever to relize, that I feel this way because I don't spend anytime with God or read the word or pray as much as spend online and that i don't spend enough time or " seek him and have a relationship with him" even though i don't know what that is anymore'. because when i did pray i always thouhgt my prayers were bouncing and God wasn't listening and i didn't know where or what to study in the bible, or whatever i raed i didn't understand it and just gave up and lost interest in it, and wanted no part of church. it just didn't feel real to me,
after saying all that, I just walked to my room to go to bed, I began to cry uncontrollably that I had to catch my breath . even after my mom prayed for me that i would feel better , I kept balling till I finally fell asleep.

XxPhenomenonxX
05-03-2007, 11:28 PM
(btw, ne time you want me to shutup let me know :]) .

ok, but your fine. but i think if i wasn't me i will tell me to shut up by now lol. if that makes sense.

but my conseling appt is tommorrow, so maybe that will help somewhat.

Xxjesus_freakxX
05-04-2007, 07:25 AM
yeah well i just wanted to congratulate you for writting whats going on in your life.. i am just a 16 year old amd really dont know so much about job hunting but i know if u keep on praying about it it will be done. God Bless

XxPhenomenonxX
05-04-2007, 10:22 AM
yeah well, I did kind of pour a lot. but yeah see I guess it's my relationship with God i'm also struggling with, unless that's where the problem is.
my appt is in 2 hrs, but why do I feel nervous, dreading it now? and my mind is totally blank and i have no energy and i'm afraid during the meeting i'll freeze up. last night was another agrument. and more balling so it was emotionally draining.

Tromos
05-04-2007, 10:36 AM
yeah well, I did kind of pour a lot. but yeah see I guess it's my relationship with God i'm also struggling with, unless that's where the problem is.
my appt is in 2 hrs, but why do I feel nervous, dreading it now? and my mind is totally blank and i have no energy and i'm afraid during the meeting i'll freeze up. last night was another agrument. and more balling so it was emotionally draining.

You are very much on my mind today, Ashley. I know this appointment with your paster has you nervous, and I can see why. When it's over, though, I think you'll find the whole experience anti-climactic and you'll wonder why you stressed about it so much.

About all you'll get today is some small talk and a very basic overview about some of the stuff that's been bothering you. You'll prepare to say a million things and you'll forget to say almost all of them. If there are any things you want to say that you feel are absolutely critical and you'll feel the whole thing was pointless if you don't say them, write them down and take them with you.

And don't expect the pastor to gasp or get excited. While it's true that you're talking about the very core of your life, he has to stay very calm and unruffled about it all. DO NOT infer from this that he's not interested or concerned. You'll likely have the temptation when you leave to tell yourself "That was worthless! He didn't even seem to care! What a waste!" That's not true. But this sort of thing takes time and lots of visits. He can't get the whole story in one visit and he will need to get a bigger picture before he can help guide you to a more solid path.

DO NOT GIVE UP ON IT!!!

Trust that your prayers for help are being answered. But God answers prayers through His people. He doesn't magically fix it all. He uses his saints here on earth to help the lost and confused. That way, more than just one person is blessed. :)

We all love you. And we know you can do it!

XxPhenomenonxX
05-04-2007, 10:50 AM
thanks, it's good to know that someone is backing me, eventhough i don't know you guys personally, any support helps.
I know, I mean the only i'm not worryed about I know that he does care enough to listen, just maybe like I won't make sense. so I don't know why i'm nervous about it though.
even my mom sent yesterday that he will "have his hands full" with me.
i guess i'm just too much of a detail oreinted person, and probably why i'm confused and try to reason everything.
but what's the sense of worrying it, I should just go through the basics first and go with it, the main one what's depressing me and I know one is I need to let go of the bitterness towards my dad, and that i just feel lost in general.. and I know i'll probably here the same line from my mother "but we already talked about this stuff or I could have told you that" or something, well, I can't worry about that anymore. I'll just accept whatever is meant to be said will be said. only without my mom and I arguing.

XxPhenomenonxX
05-04-2007, 02:03 PM
well, I finally got it over with, it went better than I expected so I feel really good now, for the first time in ages. I redicated myself to God, decided to address the bitterness and that I would let it go, and not let it hinder me anymore.
and that he even said his wife could help me with getting some college loans because she knows a lot about that stuff.
so.... this is good. I feel more relieved now. :)

kutlessfrk
05-04-2007, 04:24 PM
good to hear it went well, im still praying for you:)

XxPhenomenonxX
05-04-2007, 06:37 PM
thanks I'm to, as far as once I got in I wasn't nervous or anything, he's pretty easy to talk to.
I have to meet with again in 2wks, to check my progress and stuff.

XxPhenomenonxX
06-08-2007, 12:00 AM
so I have kind of had a lot ups and downs since my last post, like yesterday i went to bed in tears again. i have trying to look on the bright side of things. but it's hard. going through this trying to get enrolled in college and and stuff, waiting for the court date w/ my dad to get here. and i'm not getting the help and support i need eventhough i thought i had in it the begining. and just everyone including my famliy always biting at my heels at every mistake i do, and make me out to be this evil person because i get fed up and lash out try to get my point across and throw in some cuss words, f-words, and everyone is so shocked, condeming me for that and everything else . because no one will listen to me. and in all that i get accused of starting arguments, by asking a freakin' question.
when im quiet and don't say anything and cower to everyone else and let them say whatever they want, then im fine. well apparenlty i'm a bad person for getting upset and saying what i feel. and everyone wonders why i'm so miserable and have such a bad attitude, and why I am so quiet and withdrawn.
i just don't understand it.
and no one reallly understands what i'm going through all i want is to have someone to help me with some stuff and some support, and then i know i'll be fine. because i honestly feel helpless, and i shouldn't, i should have "grown up" by now. thats all i hear, and i try but...
i don't know, maybe there is something wrong with me.
i think i may be a little depressed because these feelings of despair and hopeless-ness keep coming back even after i get told things will work out, and i try to stay postive, and think i'm starting to feel better, i get sad and discouraged again and start getting teary.

and last thursday on top of things, i'm in the car with my mom, on the way to get coffee, she heads towards the high-way, and she tells me "cops.get your freakin seatbelt on" so i put it on, but the state=trooper still sees me put it on, so he has my mom pull over. asks my age, and for my ID. and we hoping the cop would be merciful for a first offence, but he comes back and hands me a ticket. the one time i forget my seatbelt they have cops on the high-way and i get a ticket.
and i have no money to pay it, and no job. so next week i have to go to court and try to fight it and hope the judge cuts me a break. if not it will it probably community service or jail, i'm scared because even-though not it's a really expensive ticket, i still have no way to pay it.
i really screwed up this time. this is just the icing on the cake, i have enough worries amd problems and i had to mess up. i'mi'm just really upset right now and don't know what to do about not just this but anything:-/:'(

kutlessfrk
07-18-2007, 09:16 PM
how have you been lately, ashley?

XxPhenomenonxX
07-19-2007, 02:34 AM
i haven't ranted in awhile so here goes:

oy. i hate to say but it's been actually about the same. i still have been having the sad depressed hopeless worthless feelings, which are. but they come and go. now i'm sick with bronchitis, it's always something. i found out my cousin was in a pretty bad car addicent sunday.

i'm still constantly having headaches, now random aches and pains. i'm tired and drawn out all time, and i don't do much of anything and get tired easily. all i want to do is sleep, and i sleep to avoid the day and how miserable i feel. i have no motivation or drive to do anything. i'm moody and lash out at people for no reason at times.

i find myself wanting to cry more often at random moments, but i hold it in. i actually do let it out mostly at night when i go to bed, sometimes so hard it gives me a headache and im drainde.

i thought i was going to start feel better about myself and be so depressed and full of fear, but that didn't last long.
i quit going to couseling a long time ago (which i will get into later it's late lol).

i have been waiting for a court date with child support for 2months, for nothing! because the rep didn't care of it like she said and the petition was not filed.grrrrrrrrrr.

i need help with college stuff still.
the pastor's wife promised a month ago to take me up there and at least help me get the paperwork done, because i don't understand any of this stuff so i can't do it alone. and she lied.

everyone has been giving me a hard time, my mother mostly.
yelling at me and stuff. she doesn't understand how i feel, she thinks im just lazy. she doesn't understand how depressed i feel or believes me. and no one else knows. she expects me to just get out of bed and get motivated instantly, in my personal life and walk with God. I WISH IT WAS THAT EASY!!!!!!
my pastor even kind of fluffed that part off.
finances at home are tight, i applied for jobs and no luck.

*sigh*i probably sound like the biggest whiner.
but i'm sick and tired( also literally) of everything.


i do have a doctor's appt next week, i don't know if i should mention the depressed feelings to him first, or if i should have him throughly test everything else first. because i want a throguth physical.
i know i need and want to go because i just about sick of feeling like crap all the time and have it hinder my life, but i'm scared at the same time.

XxPhenomenonxX
09-06-2007, 02:02 AM
been awhile, anyway for the first time this will short and sweet.

i know i have said this many times but now officially I'M SICK AND FED UP WITH CHURCH AND HAD ENOUGH OF IT. it doesn't help anything.

rant over.

LIZZO
09-08-2007, 01:44 AM
That's sad.
I got fed up with church a long time ago, though...
That's why I don't go unless I have to work.

kutlessfrk
09-09-2007, 03:30 PM
my parents make me go.

XxPhenomenonxX
09-09-2007, 05:57 PM
yeah I was made to go till I turned 18.


That's sad.
I got fed up with church a long time ago, though...
That's why I don't go unless I have to work.

yeah i'm a little bitter but not mad at God or anything (not right now anyway lol) but i'm just fed up. I'm just tired of being treated like crap, I mean I can take so much, but when it comes from the church all the time and my own pastor that's enough. I have enough wounds of my own I don't need the church to make new ones. at a time when i needed them.
so i guess basically it's the last straw. because in all the years i have been in my life, it hasn't done anything for me anyway, especailly in the past few years. i don't feel any better going, sometimes worse.

LIZZO
09-09-2007, 06:30 PM
I've never really been forced to go to church.
But I used to go WHENEVER I could.
Sundays, Wednesday, I was there.
I loved church sooo freakin much!
Honestly, I think it was the children's pastor that made me want to keep going.
I stayed in the kid's area until the middle of my 6th grade year.
That's when I stopped.
Sometime in my 7th grade year, I started going to a Baptist church.
I liked it, but some of the stuff there was against my belief.
I wasn't being spiritually fed there so I eventually faded away and left.
I guess I don't go because I haven't found a church that my parents will allow me to go to and that will feed my hunger and quench my thirsts.
The church I've gone to since we moved to Southern Texas has a youth center, but my parents will NEVER let me go because that's where my older cousin Branden started doing drugs.
It's changed since then, but they still don't want me to go.
-sorry, I made this about myself-
I guess just find a place that's comfortable and you enjoy.
A place that will fill your needs.

XxPhenomenonxX
09-09-2007, 06:39 PM
I've never really been forced to go to church.
But I used to go WHENEVER I could.
Sundays, Wednesday, I was there.
I loved church sooo freakin much!
Honestly, I think it was the children's pastor that made me want to keep going.
I stayed in the kid's area until the middle of my 6th grade year.
That's when I stopped.
Sometime in my 7th grade year, I started going to a Baptist church.
I liked it, but some of the stuff there was against my belief.
I wasn't being spiritually fed there so I eventually faded away and left.
I guess I don't go because I haven't found a church that my parents will allow me to go to and that will feed my hunger and quench my thirsts.
The church I've gone to since we moved to Southern Texas has a youth center, but my parents will NEVER let me go because that's where my older cousin Branden started doing drugs.
It's changed since then, but they still don't want me to go.
-sorry, I made this about myself-
I guess just find a place that's comfortable and you enjoy.
A place that will fill your needs.

lol that's ok.but as far as the last statement, that's what I have been trying to do for yrs. and I thought for awhile this was the right one but i was decieved . i'm just tired of it.

LIZZO
09-09-2007, 06:59 PM
-sigh-
The searching of life!

XxPhenomenonxX
09-09-2007, 07:17 PM
lol yep, i have a long way to go. I still need to find myself lol maybe i'm whacked, sometimes I think I am. who knows.
well, at least I got financail aid for college that I worried about for a long time. and the lady walked me through everything, so i made the application process more complicated then it really was.

LIZZO
09-09-2007, 10:04 PM
That's great!
...I hope I make it to college.
XD

Blackbeltguitar
09-14-2007, 06:59 PM
Interesting discussion. I can understand why your fed up with church. It's full of people who look down their noses at you, think little of you, if you mess up they bash you, and other crap like that. Most backsliders(not to say that ya'll are, but bear with me) turned their backs because of the church. It's sad that our brothers and sisters are becoming discouraged and leaving.

Your right, if you're getting bashed at your church, then get out of there. But don't turn your back on ALL church because of one bad experiance. You need to be in fellowship, it's so important.

XxPhenomenonxX
09-14-2007, 10:48 PM
i understand what you're saying.
i don't know i'm confused about everything, i may just back away awhile. maybe this can be cleared up i don't know
but this isn't one just bad experience i've had, thats why i almost fed up. it's been almost every church i have ever been to lol ans i thought this was the one, and i've run out of churches, small towns suck. only some weren't as bad as others.
as far as fellowship, i don't know what that is, i try to be as freindly even as shy as Iam, but it hasn't really paid off, people just turn away, i dont know why. i guess the churches up here aren't the fellowshiping type.
i just don't get out of church so much anymore, or maybe it's something wrong with me, because i never feel any different. i wonder .. i know we're not meant to be alone, but most of the time i think "geez iam meant to be?", and as far as i think "what am i a freak or something?" it's crazy. unless its because even when im around alot of people i still feel alone in a crowd, indifferent.

Blackbeltguitar
09-15-2007, 10:41 PM
At this point, no offence is ment, I would examine to see if you're "saved". If you don't get anything out of church, then A) You're not a true christian, B) The Church is too advance for you, C) It's not advanced enough, D) You haven't found the right church yet.

If "A" take care of that now, don't wait another minute. There is nothing more important than your eternal desntiation,

If "B", "C" or "D" find a different church. The Lord's got the right one for ya.

That's my best analyzation.

LIZZO
09-16-2007, 03:48 PM
And that makes sense!

XxPhenomenonxX
10-01-2007, 07:56 PM
I avoided this question.I don't know what Iam anymore. I rededicated for about the 10th time months ago, but i completly went back to my slothful, could-care less attitude. I guess my attitude has got much much worse, and it shows even with vocabulary, I swear like a truck driver and lash out at people, and i'm angry more. i mean out of the abudance of the heart the mouth speaks right? why can't I get this right?
I still have no peace in my soul. I mean i may for a while, but it's short lived.
iam hard on myself alot I don'tknow. maybe it's just the father thing that i act the way I do, i read that on a tv pastor's website,that a lack of father can contribute to the way a person acts/ and feels about themself . and dealing with that and knowing when i go to court next month i have that in my face. why can't I let go of this junk in my life?

LIZZO
10-02-2007, 03:20 PM
i have that in my why can't I let go of this junk in my life?

I, myself, wonder the same thing everyday.
=/

XxPhenomenonxX
01-24-2008, 07:15 PM
wow been awhile since I posted here. lots has happened, I finally left my other church 2 months ago.

I finally start college tommorrow. :D
I was supposed to start wedsday, but I couldn't make it in because of the weather so I hope i'm not behind.
I hope it goes well. i'm excited yet nervous at the same time.
In fact just a week ago I wasn't sure about going, now I am again. lol I can never make up my mind.maybe this will help me out of this depression thing, because at least i'm getting out of the house.

Pedro
01-24-2008, 10:33 PM
It's not so bad, you'll enjoy it.

Jeff_In_GA
01-24-2008, 11:06 PM
Awesome Ashley! Glad to hear about your decision to try college. It's much different from high school... and I mean that in a good way. Good luck with it & let us know how its going.

XxPhenomenonxX
01-26-2008, 09:57 AM
ok so far.
only had one class though, because the history teacher wasn't there, after I scrambled trying to find the other building and worrying about being late. and there was a mix-up on the english assignment, and I think I wrote down the wrong assignement he told us to change, which is due monday, I e-mailed but he hasn't opened it yet.
oh well. The english instructor seemed cool though, so hopefully he'll understand.
so other than the mix-up it wasn't that bad for a first day.
I think i'll be okay once I adjust and meet some people.

XxPhenomenonxX
03-02-2008, 12:32 AM
all and all college hasn't too bad so far. but this depression has taken it's toll in my classes already. i have been having a hard time staying focused in class. it's like i can't pay attention. i day dream. i can't keep up and take notes in class. and i get overwhelmed with even the decent homework load that i've had, and stress out over a few simple papers. simple assignments take me forever. it's frustrating, especailly when the work ins't really difficult, but but i just cant concentrate.
Well I finally go the motivation and went to my appt friday with counselor at the college. needlesss to say it was a waste of time.
the counselor was nice and everything, it just didn't really help at all. I didn't get to say what i wanted to say, and he did most of the talking. The reason I came to talk about depression, and we didn't even hardly talk about. i wasn't there to talk about relationships and dating and stuff, not having a boyfriend doesn't bother me anymore, but he kept talking about it anyway when i tried to make it clear that i wasn't interested in talking about that kind of stuff, i don't have a problem with that, it's the last on my mind. and he just asked alot of random annoying questions that had nothing to do with anything. i know that in a first session you're not going to expect much anyways, but with this i left more confused and got absolutitly nothing out of it. it was just a complete waste of time and i just left annoyed and more upset especailly because i didn't even get to talk much.

XxPhenomenonxX
04-30-2008, 12:14 AM
2 weeks left of this semester, time went fast.
I hope I can get through it. i have been complaining that i can't wait till it's over, but when it is i probably will want to go back. i'm never happy.
i wish i had someone who i can truly share things with, without shutting me out, my mother does it all the time, she acts like she thinks she knows everything, even how i feel.
i just feel like everything is meaningless, nothing is worth getting up for, nothing to look foward to. i don't care about anything, even the fact that my attitude sucks, i can't help it.
i've probably said this before, but i think i've come to the conclusion that maybe i can't do this whole christain thing.
going to church does me no good as far i don't learn thing or feel different, i keep act my same miserable sarcastic pathetic self. iplus the people in the church don't care anyway, most that i have dealt with are stuck up.
i thought the church was supposed to lift burdens and destroy yolks? i'm not seeing it.

ChristFlame
04-30-2008, 12:15 PM
Ashley, I feel (or have felt before) the same way you do about pretty much everything you've said..... Living on this planet is really miserable sometimes, isn't it? As far as the church stuff goes, you have to give it your all with the people there. If (after a time) they still shut you out completely, it sounds like it's time to look elsewhere. If everyone there is too stuck up to connect with you, the church is never going to do anything for you and it will never allow you to do anything for the people there. There are good churches out there with loving people and a Christ-filled atmosphere. It's important to keep that in mind.

sonofawsome
04-30-2008, 03:12 PM
I second what Patrick said.

I know what you mean about church. The last one I was at was like that. Stuck up people, rude people, and most everyone just didn't care about anyone but themselves and why they were there and had lost any spiritual life to do anything about it. I was there for years and all I witnessed (despite what I and others tried to do) a steady decline in everything. But I now have found a good church where people really do love the Lord and have that right atmosphere.
So, like Patrick said give it a try, but if it is just not getting better, look around and try to find a good church. They really do exist.

XxPhenomenonxX
04-30-2008, 07:56 PM
i know what you mean but, that's the thing, there aren't many churches in the city i live in, i've been to pretty much every one , and every one is pretty much the same.so i'm out of of churches i guess, that's why i feel this way, i'm out of churches. the churches in this city are all the same.
although i can't say i ever liked church anyway, i just got used to going because i was always forced to go.
i'm sure there are good churches, just not where i live.

Soulfire
04-30-2008, 09:53 PM
My mom gets on to me about the same thing. I don't feel churches anymore either. For some reason, I feel uncomfortable there. I wonder why....

I love my ashalay THUNDAH STEALAH!!!! XD

XxPhenomenonxX
05-17-2008, 11:45 PM
lol.
yeah, it's not only that, i just never see any power in the church, thier all dead that i've beem to. or they are too routine-ish and don't allow the spirit to move.
i don't know, i guess my bad attitude doesn't help. i just feel so far away from God and that it feels like i've also lost my reach.
that probably made no sense whatsoever lol.
i do feel bad that my mother wasted her time trying raise my right in the earlier years and right now that i'm such a loser. i'm not a heathen or anything but have the same don't give a **** attitude, even at the fact that i knew if i was to die right now i would most likely go to hell and my lack of concern. this depressive mood has dulled any logical thinking and any emotion excpet sadness. and my current lack of concern is terrible, but i've practically given trying on that one i've tried so many times.
well, maybe not totally given up, just weary of it.

Samurai Rain
05-18-2008, 12:55 AM
^You know Ashley, you're not alone. Even if it doesn't feel like it, you aren't. Seriously. I always start to doubt that God is with me but then I look at everything He has done in my life, good and bad, it matters not, but from everything, I've learned so much. God has my life but I doubt so much as well. But I do know God has me. God has you as well, all you need to do is cry out.

XxPhenomenonxX
05-27-2008, 11:29 PM
i have cried out many times before, only for it to go nowhere.
i think God keeps putting more on my plate with my health, i know other people have it much worse than me, but this is more than i can handle, especially alone. the more i ask, the worse it gets, it's like i feel i'm being pushed to see how far i go with this on my own without losing my mind. and that's why i don't trust God hardly at all anymore. i used to, i want to , i forgot how. because i just like God doesn't care that i suffer or is punishing me, that's the view i've always had, and probably for my whining and being upset i'll probably be punished more i guess feeling thiway makes me ungrateful, and i've also said some bad things about God and my life i feel bad about, but i can't help it, i've also tried to rid of this bitterness and unforgivenss, but i can't do it . most everyone tells me i don't need anything else, just to pray and the depression will leave, it's still lingers, i don't know how much more i can take without any help.

XxPhenomenonxX
11-24-2009, 03:13 AM
looking back,wow. not that anyone cares but.... anyways........ i'm still here and have'nt gone crazy yet( the depression and migraines muscle pain in my body i've been having almost drove me there lol)It's a long time since i've posted anything, but my posts were pretty pathiec anyway. some things haven't changed, my depreression left for quite awhile just recently it came back. i don't think my meds are working anymore, but my new doc keeps wanting me to take them. after being out of church for over a year, i tried this new one. it's a pretty decent place.met one nice person, and a friend from school. i must be making some progress because before i would not even set foot in church for for up until the past few months i've been going. i'm doing better as far as letting go of bitterness towards my father.
if i could get rid this pain i've have feeling in my back and whole body, and the emotional pain. my doc thinks i have fibromyalgia, i've thought the same thing for awhile.but i won't know for sure till i go for a follow up in dec. at least i'm getting closer to finding what's causing the pain and extreme fatique i've had for so long no one believed me, that i'm unable to go back to college let alone get a job. accepting assistance from the government is embarrassing but i had to have something. i want to go back to school so bad, i don't know when i'll be well enough. i'm also starting therapy next week not thrilled about itbut maybe it's worth trying, i already went to the initial psych assesment, bunch fo stupid annoying questions. so here's whats been going on my life, for anyone that cares. i miss it here.

christianmetalnrock
11-24-2009, 04:47 PM
Glad to hear your still alive and kicking Ash. Keep hanging in there and keep moving forward and you'll be just fine..

Tromos
11-25-2009, 08:09 AM
my doc thinks i have fibromyalgia, i've thought the same thing for awhile.but i won't know for sure till i go for a follow up in dec.

Are there any conclusive diagnostic tests for fibromyalgia? In some ways, it's such a poorly-defined disease that covers a host of symptoms without really pinpointing a root cause.

Keep your spirits up, Ash. :no:

XxPhenomenonxX
11-25-2009, 08:44 PM
Are there any conclusive diagnostic tests for fibromyalgia? In some ways, it's such a poorly-defined disease that covers a host of symptoms without really pinpointing a root cause.

Keep your spirits up, Ash. :no:

I don't think there is any official dianostic tests except for the pressure point test, which i don't know why she didn't do. and ruling out other conditions, if i do really have it, it would explain the migraines, fatique, pain,depression/anxiety. i've have been complaing for pain in my back and migraines, fatique for months, mri, ct-scan and bloodtests came back negative. I've been in physical therapy, which helped at first, but then it too be too much and the pain spread everywhere. i also have have told her for a long time that my anti-depressants aren't working,but she wants me to keep trying them plus tylenol with codiene 4 times a day, and continue physical therapy till dec 2 my next appt. which has been torture, i believe in strectches but 4 pages a day is too much. so i'm hoping she will send me to a specialist. but i'm relieved at least she's being more pateint with me, and that now she knows that i'm not some whacked hypochondriac, i'm in real pain and fatique all the time. and i'm trying to comply with her instructions. but she didn't give a definite yet, she just asked about my back, and i said, its' not just my back it's everywhere, then she said "we're probably looking at fibro, i want to see you in 2wks." so it's helpful to know that i'm not just nuts,just because i have emotional problems doens't mean the pain could be from something physical going on, showering and stepping out of bed and putting my shoes on now has become a challenge. and that's the worst part, when no one believes you. thanks for the encouragement guys.