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Aneko
07-15-2006, 08:12 PM
reaching for it... struggling to find what it is to do...

lost... but.. wandering...

this, is my life.

a giant mixing bowl filled with a few chunks of love, mounds of fear, hate.. dashes of minute confidence and strength.. a pinch of trust... a couple bunnies, likes... a jumble of music notes.. all crushed together..
reaching out.. but shrinking back when others turn away.

:) it's my life. ...a life that only i can live...

:P i should become a hermit.

Aneko
07-16-2006, 06:28 PM
*sigh* it's so hurtful... trying to figure out if people really like me or not...

i mean, why should i care?

...I care because i want to be liked... i mean, yeah, we shouldn't care what other people think, but... i don't like being shunned... i don't like being an obligation... i mean...

well, nobody cares anyway.

^^ I guess God's the only one i should be thinking about... Him and my love...

*sigh* is it a crime to want to be cared about? i mean, really...

i think i want people to care if i disappeared...

...you know, sometimes i've wondered... what would happen if i just disappeared?
would anybody care? would people worry? would they just go on with their lives? 'oh, there goes rachael... hm, nice girl... but she's just another person... oh well. moving on...'

...I know one person would be completely heartbroken... and i think i'm just living for him. <3

but... sometimes i just wonder..

Blackbeltguitar
07-16-2006, 06:42 PM
i mean, yeah, we shouldn't care what other people think, but... i don't like being shunned

It's important that we are liked. If nobody likes us our wittness would be destroyed. The trick is not to compromise your morals to be liked.


*sigh* is it a crime to want to be cared about?

No it's not. It's part of being human. God is a relational God. We are made in the image of God. It's natural to wanna be cared about.



...you know, sometimes i've wondered... what would happen if i just disappeared? would anybody care?


I would care. Luke would care. (He's really needy ;) ) I'm sure that many people would care.


she's just another person

You're not just another person. You are a special creation of God. Not just "Lost in a sea of faces." You're so special to God that he would send is only Son to die a horibble death for you. You're so special to His Son that He would die a horibble death for you.

Remember that!!!

Aneko
07-16-2006, 06:58 PM
:) fank you...

...:P bunny hater.

Blackbeltguitar
07-16-2006, 07:11 PM
I was trying to be nice. I'm not trying to help a deranged rabbit conquer the world.

I happen to like bunnies. My sister has it and I like to pet it!

Aneko
07-16-2006, 07:29 PM
>< he's not a deranged rabbit! and anyway, you're the one trying to let artificial intelligence rule the world! >< i can't believe you're promoting tin can brain suckers! ><

Blackbeltguitar
07-16-2006, 07:45 PM
The whole brain suckage thing is a myth. Started by the HARA

Aneko
07-18-2006, 01:31 PM
:P suuuuuuuuuuuuure it is...

then why would you choose them over bunnies?! huh? huh?!

Aneko
07-18-2006, 01:42 PM
hmm, life today...

:/ i messed up and got grounded from the comp yesterday.. :/ looks like only one person noticed...

:) it's fine though... i mean just one day without bunnies is a good day, right?

lol

anyway... so ... i'm kind of wondering... what is it about me that people don't like? is it that i'm a little too touchy feely or something? i mean, yeah i usually poke or touch someone to get their attention... i mean, it's kind of a way i show affection for them... but everybody shrugs it off and i end up coming off as annoying...

you know, people in this world... i've noticed that many of them like being around people... but in reality, they keep to themselves...
it's strange... when i need to feel other people around me... that closeness that i haven't had in forever... not since i was a very young child...

people shy away from touch these days... unless it's like... lust or something... sexual..
whatever happened to it?

...what happened to closeness... is it purely thought as predatory these days?

i mean... what happened to good Christian fellowship? ..as Dave said, nowadays your'e thought of as gay or something if you even try a random act of kindness...

*sigh* i don't think i'll be truly accepted untill i get to heaven...

0.o listen to me... blabbering about how important it is to be accepted by people... :P

...actually... it does matter... as stephen said, people do want to be liked...

i'm just a glimmer of sunshine among the darkness... is that why people pull away from me? because of my brightness? though small, it's there..

...in the Bible, it says the world will hate you because of Him... is that what i'm getting?

...is this my way of suffering for Him?

:) because that would be wonderful..

Tromos
07-18-2006, 07:22 PM
i don't think i'll be truly accepted until i get to heaven

Inspired.

Blackbeltguitar
07-18-2006, 08:21 PM
That is a cool quote.

Blackbeltguitar
07-18-2006, 08:27 PM
I'm one of those touchy-feely, huggy types. It is sad what has happened in the world. i think that's why my favorite worship song Arms of Love. I can't sit still, or be still for a very long time. That's why I like the line, "Holding me still, holding me near in Your arms of love." It's the thought of God being the only one who can hold me still. And being in God's eternal hug. :grin: Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Aneko
07-18-2006, 09:46 PM
>< then how can you choose something cold, unable to love, like a robot?

Blackbeltguitar
07-19-2006, 07:17 AM
I don't want robots to take over the world, I just don't want bunnies to take over either. Republicans should.

Tromos
07-19-2006, 07:22 AM
Republicans should.

"And itís, uh, Jesus is who I represent
George Bush is cool
But I nominate Him for President"

Blackbeltguitar
07-19-2006, 07:51 AM
Good song!!

Band-aide
07-19-2006, 02:02 PM
yea...loove it

underoathnerd
07-19-2006, 03:44 PM
*sigh* it's so hurtful... trying to figure out if people really like me or not...

i mean, why should i care?

...I care because i want to be liked... i mean, yeah, we shouldn't care what other people think, but... i don't like being shunned... i don't like being an obligation... i mean...

well, nobody cares anyway.

^^ I guess God's the only one i should be thinking about... Him and my love...

*sigh* is it a crime to want to be cared about? i mean, really...

i think i want people to care if i disappeared...

...you know, sometimes i've wondered... what would happen if i just disappeared?
would anybody care? would people worry? would they just go on with their lives? 'oh, there goes rachael... hm, nice girl... but she's just another person... oh well. moving on...'

...I know one person would be completely heartbroken... and i think i'm just living for him. <3

but... sometimes i just wonder..

wow i cant see you wondering if ppl will care wether or not ppl care aboot you or not. you told me this place is our family. every1 here loves you and cares for you. i know i do. if you suddenly stopped showin up on here i wud call you or search every website i know you visit. i wouldnt stop searching till i found you. im sure theirs some other ppl on here like that 2.

Aneko
07-19-2006, 04:38 PM
*hugs* thanks cricket. :) i'm glad you care, hon.

Aneko
07-19-2006, 04:48 PM
hmm, todays forecast... grumpy with a chance of pain...
i haven't been feeling well these past few days... not getting enough food... not getting enough sleep...

i think one of the reasons i want other people to like me is because.. i need support. i need encouragement...

i've had people, friends, even family members run me down over the years...

and i've learned to take it...

...you know, once you have a wall up, it's hard to take it down..
especially if it's made of titanium metal... :/

...there are grudges that come up.. hate.. and anger... that ... i really wish i didn't have... i mean... i'm working out of the grudge that was there... but sometimes... the anger and hate is so much to bear... thanks to the Lord i'm getting rid of that grudge, and eventually all the anger and hate will dissapate, with the help of my Father... but now... i just have to hold it all inside my armor... and try not to let it dissolve me..

*sigh* being a good writer doesn't exactly improve my discribing skills does it? ...:/ bet it makes them even more gory... :/

... it's how i see myself... a shell, waiting to be filled again... a cracked and broken heart waiting to be mended... a crushed strength, waiting to be restored in Him...

weakness is me right now.. and know one would guess it... unless i said it.

Aneko
07-20-2006, 04:18 PM
so... today... getting ready for camp [oh, sorry--i'll be gone all next week for this Christian camp me an my youth group go too... :mrgreen: it's gonna be a blast! ...but i will miss you guys... :(]... trying to be more patient...

you know, strangest thing happened last night.

i actually wanted to be like my mom for once... 0.o

...we look alike... so much... but over the years... we've changed... and honestly... i miss it...

the only diff between us used to be our eye color--hers are blue and mine are brown--and her height.

now i'm as tall as she is.
my hair is lighter... and she's going grey.
she weighs more than i do... a lot more ... coz i'm only 89 pounds... :/
her skin doesn't look the same, her face looks differnent...

we still have part of the same smile... i've looked at pictures... we're like facing the opposite way in out senior pictures, but ... everything mirrors the other...
her smile is tilting the opposite way mine is, my hair is the opposite side hers is on, our heads are tilting opposite ways...

and now... it's like we've never been more different...


...i learned that she is more compassionate than i am.
sure, i'm a little more confident and faster to smile than she is... oh, i'm kind... polite...
but... she cares about everyone..

everybody.

wow. i think about that... and i think untill now i've honestly just thought about the people that can get me places... like... people 'higher up on the social ladder'... i haven't thought about that kid on the walker, or that guy in the wheelchair, or that girl that's not fitting in so well... that boy outcast, with noone to hang out with at lunch...

that family at chuch with a daughter with seizure problems.. that boy that hasn't come to awana or sunday school...
that girl that's never come to youth group, that's really shy...
those boys that come every 3 weeks...
that older lady that lives by herself in the soldiers home...

really, i love all the people in my church... everyone...

but loving does extend beyond the family.

it should extend to every living soul you meet... every single person, no matter how old, young, rich, poor, smart, stupid, impaired, or unimpaired...

everyone needs to see, feel, hear the love of Christ... no matter who they are.


My mother taught me that yesterday.

stmomma
07-21-2006, 12:47 AM
That is a really cool thing to learn. :)

The Otter
07-21-2006, 01:08 AM
I've got a good book that you should look up.... it has a lot to do about how we need to be accepted/feel loved/ have others like us..... It's called When People are Big and God is Small.... a friend gave it to me.... It goes through how we fear people instead of God... It's a really cool book....

Blackbeltguitar
07-21-2006, 10:46 AM
After reading all of you're posts, I can see why you're the song writer in the band.

Aneko
07-22-2006, 03:19 PM
:) thanks guys...

Aneko
07-22-2006, 03:34 PM
...i got grounded from the comp the other day coz ... i was just... there... :/

but ... my heart got stepped on again.

a good friend of mine just went back to his old gf... the one that HE dumped, that HE hated, that HE knew was bad for him...

...he said that she went back to the way that she was when he first started dating her...

:/ but i reminded him that you can't teach an old dog new tricks [please pardon the association... it's just a saying...]... but he went back to her anyway...

i really cared for him... and i still do, it's just...

everyone i've ever loved has forsaken me... i mean, my friends, parents, loves... all but two people right now--my bf, my bandmate, and God [He's not exactly a person...]...

i've given my heart to this board too... :) you guys are family to me... i mean, i've only been on here about a month and a half, but i've been welcomed and loved as best as anyone can love me...

but... all those times...

all those times i've tried to find someone who will love me...

honestly, i shake my head at how i've searched for people to love me...

...and yet i search anyway...


...i think... i'm like a little lost kitten... going around to every person i meet-- 'will you love me?' 'will you love me?' 'will you love me...?'

...and almost every time, they toss my heart out back at me, saying i'm not worthy of their love..

:/ but it doesn't matter anyway, does it?

...i've been searching for love all my life, for someone to love me...

and i've found a couple... real love...

when God's been there the entire time... i don't know why i don't accept His as well... i mean... it's hard for me to understand... why He'd love me... i mean, i've talked to Him before about it... and He's given me some REALLY good answers... answers only He can give... but...
i still don't think i'm worthy enough for His love... people have always told me that i'm not worth enough to trouble over, that i'm not worth the time, the energy...

i'm just another person...

yeah, i know, sea of faces... more than useless... just a failure... light up ahead...

all those songs that show that i'm worth something... but... it's still so hard to believe.

the9ulaire
07-22-2006, 03:38 PM
*hugs* I love you Rachael!!! :-)

Aneko
07-23-2006, 09:27 AM
^^ love you too luke!

oh! forgot! 0.o can't believe i forgot... ^^ you have my heart too! ^^ *hugs*

Blackbeltguitar
07-23-2006, 12:04 PM
Loose the bunny, Luke!!

Aneko
07-23-2006, 06:25 PM
>< No!

Blackbeltguitar
07-24-2006, 08:29 AM
Thanx man. The world will thank you soon enough.

Blackbeltguitar
07-24-2006, 08:38 AM
In all seriousness (yeah, right!!) the only way we can be truly worthy of His love, is through Him. If you are a child of God, there is nothing, AND I MEAN NOTHING, that can take His love from you. Just ask, Scott or Dim, they'll tell you.

I've done some stuff even today that I wish I could take back, but I can't. But I know, I can go to Him for anything, and everything.

The Bible says that we (as redeemed believers, and children of God) can call Him Abba. In Hebrew, that means that we can climb on His lap, and say Daddy.

We love you on this board and It would be a significant loss (and a significant victory for the robot camp) if you were to leave and I personally would miss you very much.

*blows Rachael a hug* (I'm not allowed to hug girls:D)

Aneko
07-24-2006, 12:25 PM
stephen, i cannot believe you.

i cannot BELIEVE you! >< you are more impossible than numbers, than understanding God, than ANYTHING! ><

you, are dispicable.

you took the very first man to support the bunny cause, the first one to join my forces, and told him to 'loose the bunny'... YOU DIDN'T EVEN SPELL IT RIGHT! ><

*sigh* you know what, i'm done.

i'm done. fine. have it your way and take over the world with a bunch of rusty, heartless, un-feeling robots.

see where that takes you.

and no thanks--i don't need a hug from you.
i need a hug against you.

XP

Aneko
07-24-2006, 12:29 PM
you know what... thanks, i get what you mean.. but i think pride's getting in my way.

thanks for the advice, but ...

i still think you're a meany pants. XP

Blackbeltguitar
07-24-2006, 06:02 PM
As long as your life is a little better!

Blackbeltguitar
07-24-2006, 06:03 PM
I have joined Scott, in giving bunny World Recognition. Robots will not rule the World, Republicans will!

Aneko
07-28-2006, 07:34 PM
:) good idea stephen... ^^

...*shy* ...*hug* i'm sorry i was so rude... :( ...forgive me?

...^^ i know know that prIde was a problem for me...

...i'm trying to be more humble...

it's difficult, but with God's help, i can do anything... ^^

now... I feel His peace, joy, love... also His wrath, disappointment...

...i learned how the all Holy Spirit wants is for me to love Jesus with all my heart...

I learned that Jesus died for me, know what i'd do, knowing what i'd say, knowing where i'd go, what i'd watch, play, read... knowing how horrible i was going to be...

I learned that God is just so amazingly awesome... ^^ that He is the same God that made the earth, the same God that helped Noah and Abraham, Moses, David... He's the same God that heard me bad mouth my mom, saw me being rude and sarcastic to that boy, felt my intense anger toward certain people... tasted the bitterness i thought i tasted when people turned away from me...

I know now that i am a social hazard. :) to the children of darkness in the world... Romans 12:2--12:2 And let not your behaviour be like that of this world, but be changed and made new in mind, so that by experience you may have knowledge of the good and pleasing and complete purpose of God.

[King James--12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.]

^^ Now i know why i've been so 'unloved', persay...
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO LOVE THE WRONG PEOPLE! ^^ I'm not supposed to love those of the world like i've been trying to! they're not supposed to be close friends! ^^ Oh what joy i feel... ^^

Gee, isn't God awesome? ^^ <3

the9ulaire
07-29-2006, 08:31 AM
^^Love ya sis...


^^ love you too luke!

oh! forgot! 0.o can't believe i forgot... ^^ you have my heart too! ^^ *hugs*

Hah, I love you too sis! *hugs*

Don't worry, I won't take up the robot...I just need to remember to get the bunny...

Blackbeltguitar
07-29-2006, 08:50 AM
The more I read, the more I wish I were more open in my sprititual life.

Aneko
07-29-2006, 05:09 PM
...really? ...? what does that mean? 0.o sorry, but i can't quite understand...

...i think of this as a place to talk about what's going on behind the mask... :/ coz in fact, i do wear one... a happy-go-lucky smiling girl... this is what's going on what's underneath that... :)

...i think backsliding is another problem for me... not to be selfish or anything by going back to me, but ... you know...

i think of this as a place to share my thoughts, the real, deeper me... i dunno... ^^ i'm just glad... to have you guys...


*huff* even though i'm mean sometimes... i love you all... ...even you stephen... :)

the9ulaire
07-31-2006, 01:29 PM
The more I read, the more I wish I were more open in my sprititual life.

Force yourself to be...I had to...the more you do it, it will be come natural...you'll be comfortable, and you'll want to talk to others about what's REALLY going on inside, not just about you, but in others too.

Aneko
07-31-2006, 04:00 PM
^^ good advice luke... <3

Aneko
07-31-2006, 04:12 PM
hmm... today... ^^ i think i'm more in love than i've ever been...

God's really made some changes in my guy's life.. he's even more wonderful to be with... <333

you know, i think about how blessed i am... how much God has given me... and ... i really don't think i've given enough back to Him...

i mean, all i have to give is my life... and i'm still working on that...

^^ He's been showing me so many great things... He's teaching me in so many ways...

...I think of all the times i've stumbled, all the times i've chosen my way... and i can't believe He's stayed with me... i mean... it's just so awe inspiring... i can't believe it...

...Further Seems Forever has gotten me through some tough times... their songs... just... wow... they're kind of emo, but geez... the messages in their songs... just wow...

this one's been helping me in particular--

By Your eyes i can see
by Your eyes i've got vision all around
by Your voice i can hear
by Your voice all the fear comes crashing down

You're like a light from above, woah
You've seen the way i've been living underground
by Your heart i can love, woah
You make me feel like i'm never coming down

I'm not living for the past
no i'm not living for the memories
there's no use in looking back
when there's nothing there to see
there's no use in looking back
when i know that there's nothing there to see
i'm not living for the past
or for the memories

by Your hands i can hold
by Your hands i can build this from the ground
by Your thoughts i can feel
by Your thoughts i can deal with all abounds

You're like a light from above, woah
You've seen the way i've been living underground
by Your heart i can love, woah
You make me feel like i'm never coming down

I'm not living for the past
no i'm not living for the memories
there's no use in looking back
when there's nothing there to see
there's no use in looking back
when i know that there's nothing there to see
i'm not living for the past
or for the memories...

Call on the Life
Call on the Life
call on the Life
call on the Life...

outtathadark
08-02-2006, 07:02 AM
Kiddo, God has some really big plans for you. You hang in there....you need a bud...just holler.

Aneko
08-04-2006, 09:46 PM
<3 thank you...

Aneko
08-04-2006, 10:04 PM
you know... these past few days i've been really angry... [because of that --> . ] ...i mean... i've pretty much been taking things out on everybody...

geez, i have a temper... i yell and fume and screech and holler and ... 0.o i think i even turn into the Hulk...
but...

that's no excuse to lash out at those around you.

feeling you have the right to be angry is wrong.
it's a lie. even if you've been wronged...
God says in the Bible to turn the other cheek...
there is no justification for anger.
even if you think you're some cast off child, or that you have to be mean right back to others coz they've been mean to you...

...God doesn't want people to be angry with one another.

sometimes... i just don't understand why...


the red dot is no excuse either. sure, God made it happen... but it's still not an excuse to yowl at your brother.
bare your teeth at your boyfriend [or girlfriend].
scratch your friends.
hiss at your parents..

i get my temper from my dad...
but that's no excuse either.

yes, there are times when i'm angry at the world...
my family, friends...

but every time my temper flares... I need to remember Jesus, and how He died... without ever getting angry at those that wronged Him.

stmomma
08-04-2006, 10:26 PM
but, he did get angry at the money changers. You gotta remember that God made you with emotions and He gave us anger for a reason. Usually we get angry at what we perceive to be an injustice. If you see a child being beaten then yes, be angry. Jesus tells us to "be angry, and sin not." So when you get angry, take a minute to figure out why, then decide on a course of action that is not sinful. (Yeah, don't call your bro names :) etc)

Blackbeltguitar
08-06-2006, 09:24 PM
^what she said

Blackbeltguitar
08-06-2006, 09:39 PM
^what she said

Blackbeltguitar
08-06-2006, 09:40 PM
Sorry! I posted twice!!

Aneko
08-07-2006, 09:55 PM
:) thanks tina... <3 you too stephen...

Blackbeltguitar
08-07-2006, 09:56 PM
I'm right here!

Aneko
08-07-2006, 10:02 PM
...you know...

you put your faith in people...
you put your trust in them.

you put them in your highest respects, coz they're your friend.
and you love them.

you tell them secrets, and you tell them truths... you tell them your deepest loves, dislikes... everything...

...but... then... you disappoint them. then you say something wrong... or you tell them something... that's bad. or wrong. or they just don't like it.
or they feel they need to tell you the truth about something you knew the truth about already...

and you get stabbed.

you get wounded so badly, that you don't know what to do with yourself.

even if what you told them was supposed to be wonderful, lovely, a gift from God...

it's tarnished.

it doesn't seem so great anymore...

because of that rotten truth they thought to tell you.

because it's supposed to be good for you.



i thought i loved you? i thought... i thought you were close to me...

i thought you'd be happy...

but i guess... i didn't know you after all.
i guess...

that truth... is worth more than love.

Blackbeltguitar
08-07-2006, 10:05 PM
All I can say is, some friend. A true friend will stick with you through the good times and bad.

stmomma
08-07-2006, 10:07 PM
Yeah^what he said is so true. A true friend loves you even when you are less than perfect

Blackbeltguitar
08-07-2006, 10:09 PM
Most of are "less than perfect"

Blackbeltguitar
08-07-2006, 10:10 PM
I believe it's a safe bet that we're all "Less than Perfect"

Aneko
08-07-2006, 10:19 PM
true...
but i guess... this truth was worth more than being friends...

i guess...
i guess this person thought that... or was led to... let me know something ... they thought was best for me to know...

even though it's cut me before... even though... i knew it all the time, under the surface...

...like a sticker... underneath the skin...
...getting cut out with a foot-long, razor-edged knife...

watching all the blood splatter out on the ground...
and feel the immense pain... of the wound left behind...

Blackbeltguitar
08-07-2006, 10:26 PM
Well just know that you're in the palm of God's hand and that nothin' that gets you, doesn't go through Him first. And He knows what's best.

Aneko
08-07-2006, 10:32 PM
...yes...

...maybe that was best...

Blackbeltguitar
08-07-2006, 10:43 PM
In the words of Yenta

"True? Of Course True."

The Otter
08-07-2006, 11:06 PM
Edit....
True friends tell you the truth no matter what, but they don't drop you afterwards.... They don't go "sorry, that's your own problem not mine.... Come and find me when you are better".....

Aneko
08-09-2006, 12:47 PM
...i guess not.

:) but... i've got the chance to be here for my friend. ^^ and i want to do it.

i can't let him down... <3


...because he's so very important to me...

Aneko
08-09-2006, 05:19 PM
...patience...

is a very hard thing to have...

when you're waiting for your sandwich to finish in the microwave...
when you're waiting for you computer to boot up...
when you're wating for a show to come on...
when you're waiting for college to start...
when you're waiting to get a job...
when you're waiting to get married...
when you're waiting to have kids...
when you're waiting to retire...
when you're waiting to go to Heaven...

or even when you're just waiting to get out of the house...

...waiting is tough.

...sometimes... it's really tough.

but God says to wait on Him...
in Psalm 27:14a, it says 'Wait for the Lord....'

...You know... it's difficult...
But if we pray and ask for His power, we'll get through it...

...Who of you guys plans? I mean, you plan your day, you plan your night, you plan your morning, you plan your week, month, year, school...
you plan your future...

Sometimes, it's a disappointment when God changes something, or He just wipes something out altogether...
But we should be living and planning according to His will, not our own... :) I think i have to be reminded of that more than once these days...

But it's better to be in His will! >< It takes me so long to realize that He's got a way better plan than i could ever come up with! No matter how 'bad' i think it is for me...
He knows best...

:/ Bet some of you oldies remember that show... 'Father Knows Best'... :) I can't help but wonder if they had a higher meaning in that title... ^^

...I guess sometimes it's hard for the child to understand what the Father is doing... or why He's doing it...
but sometimes... the child isn't meant to see... or, the child isn't meant to understand yet...

^^ it's comforting to know that we have a Heavenly Father willing to guide us, and plan our lives for us... <3

...but you can only have His reassurance if you choose to trust in His son Jesus as your Savior... ^^

Aneko
08-10-2006, 05:03 PM
..ok... so i tripped and dove on my face today...
not literally, though i wish it was...

...i'd rather have to go to the hospital than trip the way i did...

...so i fell.

and it dropped me through the floor... tripped me through the dirt...

...deep underground...

...you could say i'm huddling alone in a cave right now...

...so, i'm wiped out... i'm alone and scared... but still haven't let go...

...just hangin out down here, the flames licking my feet...
just sitting here... waiting to drop even further...

...i look up... and i see the hole in the ceiling... the everlasting light casting a bright pool on the stone floor...

but i can't go to it...

...i suppose i'm too ashamed.

...you know, i wonder... how can that Light want me back... how can i let Him love me still? how can i let Him have me back... ? how can He choose to take me anyway?

...today i was playing a video game... and it's a strategy game... so you've got to do all this stuff ... tiptoe, pole vault, hang on things, jump, double jump, hug walls... etc...
and my character... wasn't doing anything right. i mean, he was falling off stuff, getting caugh by security, loosing health like that, all sorts of stuff... and i was just like...
'he's not doing anything right! ...maybe i'll just let him go... maybe i'll just stop playing. i'm sick of this'...

and i thought... what if God said the same thing about me...? what if... He decided... that i'd messed up way too much... and He couldn't use me anymore.

what would i do then?

...i can sit here, in this stuffy, leaky, humid cave... just wasting time that i could be using to serve Him, to fix things..
but i'm too stubborn for my own good.

...it's a choice that we all have to make...

...to go back... or stay...

face the light..

or melt in with the dark...

either way, you can't get out of it...



...sometimes... i really wish we weren't in the age of grace... because... then... i wouldn't be able to take forgiveness for granted..
i'd be killing birds left and right, tripping over myself for a chance to be cleansed... for a chance to be in His blessing again...

...now all i have to do...
is look up.
<3


...take this heart of darkness
i give it up
and all the emptiness i...
you fill it up

the times that i feel nothing
You bring enough
and so i can live for something
You lift me up

and all these bad dreams
i wake up to the Light
and when i can't see
i wake up to Your eyes
WAKE ME UP!

...there's a light up ahead....

it gets so complicated
if (I) live enough
turn into what (I) hated
(I'm) breaking up...

the times I feel like nothing
You bring enough
and so I can live for something
YOU LIFT ME UP....

outtathadark
08-10-2006, 05:27 PM
you hold on. you keep looking up. no matter how much, how often those voices berate and belittle you for making mistakes, they can't drown out the words Christ says to you when you ask forgiveness.
"Your sins are forgiven you". not in 10 minutes...not "this one..but not that one" ALL of them. Throw THAT back in evils face...laugh at it. Christ is ALWAYS there with His hand stretched out ready to pick us up.

I'm the poster boy for self abuse. Someone very dear to my heart opened my eyes to what i was doing. God willing, He'll let me open yours kiddo.

smile hon....your Father loves you...

Sarahgirl
08-10-2006, 07:22 PM
well i didnt read the whole thread but it seems like u are going through something similar to what i went through a few years ago- i was really depressed and felt like i couldnt do anything right, stuff just kept going wrong and i felt like such a rat......

but the thing is that u should NEVER give up, no matter how far away God feels, bacause He is always there! u just need to trust Him and He will take care of u. ask Him what to do constantly- anytime u feel like things arent going right

He will always be there for u and will always listen! He wants to help u and sometimes it takes a long time to fully trust Him but that is what u need to do, it will make all the difference!!! :laugh:

He will also never condemn u- one of my favorite songs is jeremy camp-take u back because it deals with the same exact thing! just rest in His grace, He loves u!!!!! lol

Aneko
08-10-2006, 09:07 PM
you hold on. you keep looking up. no matter how much, how often those voices berate and belittle you for making mistakes, they can't drown out the words Christ says to you when you ask forgiveness.
"Your sins are forgiven you". not in 10 minutes...not "this one..but not that one" ALL of them. Throw THAT back in evils face...laugh at it. Christ is ALWAYS there with His hand stretched out ready to pick us up.

I'm the poster boy for self abuse. Someone very dear to my heart opened my eyes to what i was doing. God willing, He'll let me open yours kiddo.

smile hon....your Father loves you...

:) remember this?

someone loves you
even if you don't think so
don'cha know
you've got me an Jesus

by your side
through the fight
you will never be alone
on your own
you've got me an Jesus...

<3

Aneko
08-10-2006, 09:09 PM
*hugs* ...thanks girl... i needed that... :)

outtathadark
08-10-2006, 09:12 PM
:) remember this?

someone loves you
even if you don't think so
don'cha know
you've got me an Jesus

by your side
through the fight
you will never be alone
on your own
you've got me an Jesus...

<3


sure do kiddo...:coolsmiley:

Blackbeltguitar
08-10-2006, 09:54 PM
That goes for me, too. And all of us here, I think.


By your side through the fight
You will never be alone, on your own
You got me and Jesus.

Blackbeltguitar
08-10-2006, 09:57 PM
We sang a song @ our VBS that gets me up when things are down.

When things have gotcha down and no one is around
I got Jesus, I got Jesus

When life's a mystery, and peace is what I need
I got Jesus, I got Jesus

Ev'rybody, ev'rywhere, C'mon c'mon let me here you say!

Everythings Okay, and Everythings alright
Cuz I got Jesus in my life.

Everythings Okay, and Everythings alright
Cuz I got Jesus in my life.

Just remember that!!!

The Otter
08-10-2006, 11:11 PM
One thing that stood out to me last Sunday at church was when the dude doing the message was talking talking about what keeps us from drawing near to God. He said that two of the biggest were pride and shame. He said that Pride and Shame are siblings. Pride puffs you up and says, "Look at me! Look at me, aren't I great?" pride comes before the fall. It makes you look at only yourself.... But Shame is what occurs after you have messed up. Shame is what keeps you down in the dirt after you have fallen. Shame says, "I'm not worth God's grace" and "I have nothing to bring to the table" in essence it's all about how I'm not worth it and I messed up too badly. It's really hard to break out of the cycle of pride and shame. We like to tell everyone we are great and we like to wallow in our self pity as well. The dude speaking talked about how the only way to get over these sins of self was to take up our cross daily and give it over to Christ. We have to rip off our scars to let the infection heal. We can't wallow and look only at ourselves when we mess up.
Now I say all of this knowing that I do it way to much. When I mess up all I want is pity from others and the whole aww hope you have a better day type of thing, but thats not right. I also am way to susceptible to pride as well. I get an idea that what I have to say is all important and forget about everyone else.
Hebrews 10:22 NIV
"22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water."
Just know that God is there for you and that he will always take care of you.

Blackbeltguitar
08-11-2006, 08:25 AM
True dat!

outtathadark
08-11-2006, 03:45 PM
Otter...that was absolutely PHENOMINAL....wow....talk about hearing just what you need to hear when you're ready to hear it. I'm quite familiar with the issue of pride...God popped that balloon earlier this year, but i NEVER thought about the shame game. Ok....new discovery...my head...or the brain cell that occupies most of it....is now, without a doubt, the densest material in existence...or was....

AWESOME

Aneko
08-20-2006, 07:29 PM
<3 thanks otter... ^^



...strange happenings, yo, strange happenings...

you think you know something, or something... you think it's all figured out... you think you know what's going to happen, where everything's going...

^^ then God goes and changes things around...

wow.

it really opens my eyes... just totally blows me away with how much control i really don't have... ^^

...i think i've been playing around with love alot lately.
...just messing with people's hearts...

:( and i feel bad...

...love... is truly a trivial thing...
that is, when you don't understand it.

lol, when you think about it, love is actually pretty difficult to dissect, but... really it's so simple...


to understand why God made love, made us capable of love.. able to love... to know so many different kinds of love... it's a blessing... a gift truly unworthy of all...

but... He gave it to us... not just the ability to love... but He gave His love... to show us how to love... there's even a whole chapter about love in the Bible... more than that, there are Psalms, books about love... so we are able to not only love, but love the right way, and understand the depth and reason for that love...


...i remember... today... i told someone that 'love sucks'. and... i think ... it's because i couldn't understand the love i was feeling at that time...

...when you really think about it, love is the stem feeling to so many different emotions...
you think about how many songs are about love, being in love, being left by someone, being cheated on, loveing someone you 'shouldn't' love, the strangth of love, the weakness of love... true love, puppy love... God's love, friends' love, family, spouse...

so many different kinds of love..

i do really think that there are only two feelings of the world around us...
love.

and hate.

some may disagree, but ... when you think about it...

it is all just light and dark.
...love and hate...

...friends... i ask you to love.
love as Christ has shown us to...

^^ just love. <3

Blackbeltguitar
08-20-2006, 08:21 PM
it is all just light and dark.
...love and hate...

That is so true. The theory of reltivity, (that everything is relative, nothing is right or wrong) is so stupid. The only people who would disagree with you are those unfortunate followers.

Blackbeltguitar
08-20-2006, 08:22 PM
BTW, where have you been? You got a lot of explaining to do, young lady>:(

Tromos
08-21-2006, 07:16 AM
That is so true. The theory of reltivity, (that everything is relative, nothing is right or wrong) is so stupid. The only people who would disagree with you are those unfortunate followers.

Just for the record, Relativity Theory has everything to do with physics and nothing to do with morality. While many people subscribe to the "everything is relative" perspective on life, this is not Relativity Theory.

Blackbeltguitar
08-21-2006, 09:23 AM
I knew that! I was making a funny!

The Otter
08-21-2006, 04:53 PM
Just for the record, Relativity Theory has everything to do with physics and nothing to do with morality. While many people subscribe to the "everything is relative" perspective on life, this is not Relativity Theory.

Yeah... the whole everything is relative thing started with existentialism.... You make who you are.... things are the way you want them.... "existance precedes essence"... John Piper Don't Waste Your Life.... that's also one of the problems that we face today.... We have to make a stand between Love and Hate.... Existentialism gives us the third option... We don't have to choose to either hate God and his gift or Love him for who he is and what he's done.... We can choose to be stupid and be apathetic. We can choose to not choose... ignore it till it kills you.... there is no standard outside ourselves, because anything like that is something that we ALLOW to define us. God is something we put in our lives... making him more manageable... This is all wrong, but it's existentialism, and it's affected a lot of what society is today....

God greatest command is to love him... the second is to love your neighbor... Unfortunately, I don't do either often enough... I am just a stupid apathetic kid..... but God still loves me... so I geuss you have to add apathy to that list.... Love, Hate, and Apathy..... Light, Dark, and Blank Space filled with nothing....

Band-aide
08-21-2006, 09:48 PM
To be honest with you. Love hurts sometimes, its almost easier to be apethetic. Especially when you've been hurt deeply by someone you love. Honestly I spent months in an apethetic state. But I figured out that love is worth the risk, because when those walls you've built in your heart come down, you are no longer lonely. It fills that void. I wrote a poem about some of it, while I was going through all of this. there's an array of feelings in this poem. at the start I was angry and hurt an just soo tired of everything. Then I walk into redemption... here, Its not very good, but you'll see what I'm talking about.
Lonely
I don't wanna care anymore
all this hate won't fair my love anymore.
My world is crashing down again but
My pain won't surpass my grin.
I feel like you dont care anymore.
So why should I pretend?
These walls are all I have now.
They keep my pain in.
But I am still alone

Blood falls like rain from you
as the nine tales break your skin
I hear you whisper my name
As they strike you again
I watched as my walls begin to crumble
I heard your call and began to stumble
Through the maze of rubble.
And as the nails pierced you skin.
I began to understand
the pain of love, the gain of love.
Because I am not alone.

Aneko
08-26-2006, 09:16 PM
<3 thanks you guys... :) steph, dave, otter, kristi... *big hug* to all of you...


:/ bet this is pretty consistent in this thread, but...

i feel like i'm drowning...
and i can't pull my head up... i'm looking up through the blue... after just slipping under...
still panic stricken.
still struggling.
still losing air bubbles...

...watching the light filter through the crystal liquid i'm trying so hard to rid myself of...



*crooked smile* you know what it reminds me of?
Peter.

...but Peter didn't sink all the way did he...

...i'm still reaching my hand up... a few inches below the surface, waiting for someone to grasp it...

...but somehow...


i feel the shadow... i see the shape...
but...

the hand is ...just beyond my fingertips...

i guess what i'm trying to say is that ...
i can't take it yet...
and i'm going to keep drowning untill i do...

but i feel...

i deserve drowning... i deserve to slip to the bottom of this wretched pool forever...

weird... i considered hell today.

you know how strange that sounds...?

but... i'm so stained, covered in muck that...

i should live with the pain of all i've done forever.

and the thing is...

i don't know how to change my mind...

i don't know how i can accept His help...

i mean..
there's this radio message thing...
that those immersed in sin have never had a real expirience with God or something... i can't remember...

but... it was something..
i wish i could remember..

but...
this pool is pretty deep... and i haven't touched bottom yet...
i hate being like this, but...
i don't know how to change...

i mean... i've seen the awe of God... how amazing He is...
in fact, He just blessed me this morning...
and what do i do to repay Him?

...i don't understand...

i mean...
i don't understand...

i feel... like i'm 10 years old... but every once in awhile, i throw a fit like a baby... and ... i don't know how to get past it...

it feels like... there's something missing... something that i just can't get... that i just don't understand...

i understand God has a HUGE plan for me... but...
i fear i'm just ruining it by listening to my dumb feelings...
He has so many blessings for me...
but... i just keep messing things up...

i keep trying to tell myself that the way i feel doesn't matter...
i need to read my Bible, i need to pray, i need to listen, i need to obey... but...

all this sludge keeps weighing me down.

*

Aneko
08-26-2006, 09:17 PM
...(:/ sounds pretty hypocritical, seeing what's in my sig... :/)


...i really don't know how to fix it..
but maybe that's the problem...

i can't.

the9ulaire
08-26-2006, 09:35 PM
i can't.

You're right...you can't...only He can...but trusting Him isn't going to be easy...

Aneko
08-26-2006, 10:30 PM
...it never has been...

how do i love? that's what's missing...

trust, love, ... i'm so unsure...

but how do i assure myself?

...or can't i?

Milagro
08-26-2006, 10:55 PM
babe, im praying for you...i wont say much more now, btu you and i should sit down and talk for a good long time...hope you are sleeping well tonight

Aneko
08-26-2006, 11:08 PM
...not so much...

[sleep]

but thank you....

sure... anytime i guess, girly..

Blackbeltguitar
08-27-2006, 02:57 PM
Hey, I'm still prayin for you!

The Otter
08-27-2006, 11:51 PM
Here I am again
In this raging sea
On my knees again
Deep calls to deep
I feel I'm drowning
My arms are
Just too tired to swim
I feel I'm sinking
On my knees again
In the roar of Your waterfall
In the storm of You
May You find me holding on
May You find me true

Chorus:
And I put my hope
And I put my trust
And I put myself in You
In You, Lord [2x]

Bridge:
Wash me clean
Set me free
Hold me close
And cover me

I was looking for David Crowder Lyrics, and I found these... I haven't heard this song, but it looked kinda familiar....

Here's the other one that I was also looking for....
I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From the broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like You are

You are everything that is bright and clean
And You’re covering me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man
But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean

Glory, hallelujah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
So here I am, all of me
Finally everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
Yours

I am full of earth and dirt and You
I posted this at the TFK boards once, but I thought that it kinda fit here too... It's one of my favorite songs ever....

Blackbeltguitar
08-28-2006, 08:13 AM
Read John 15.

Romans 5:8 (I think) says, Christ chose us while we were sinners and died for us. Even though we've messed up. (SG version)

kutlessfan808
09-12-2006, 03:33 PM
EVERYONE.........ANEKO IS COMING BACK SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~~
Though i would say ti in her journal

Blackbeltguitar
09-12-2006, 08:19 PM
YAY!!! When??!??!??!??!??

Ivy
09-12-2006, 08:31 PM
Sweet! :)

kutlessfan808
09-12-2006, 09:16 PM
idk......soon....maybe a few weeks!!!

Band-aide
09-13-2006, 12:08 AM
yay!

kutlessfan808
09-13-2006, 08:19 PM
Yay

Blackbeltguitar
09-14-2006, 09:53 AM
What the heck.


YAY!

Band-aide
09-14-2006, 11:38 AM
lol

Milagro
09-14-2006, 01:50 PM
ummm, intellegence?!?!? can we PLEASE return to intellegence!?!?!?!?!?!

Band-aide
09-14-2006, 02:16 PM
intellegence?...what is that?

kutlessfan808
09-14-2006, 03:46 PM
^^idk

Milagro
09-14-2006, 04:52 PM
it is what the rest of the world uses to function on a daily basis

kutlessfan808
09-14-2006, 06:31 PM
ohhhhh,,, that nonsense!!!

Blackbeltguitar
09-14-2006, 09:31 PM
Foolishness!

kutlessfan808
09-15-2006, 05:47 AM
^^insanity!!!!

Milagro
09-15-2006, 02:28 PM
no, sanity.

intellegence is how we survive...without it, we would be no mare than a couple of goldfish swimming around in circles all day....


;;;


;;;


;;;


;;;

Milagro
09-15-2006, 02:29 PM
ummm, OH THAT"S RIGHT!!!

you two ARE a couple of goldfish swimming around in circles!!!

Blackbeltguitar
09-15-2006, 08:29 PM
I'm glad that you think about me as often as you see your fish!

kutlessfan808
09-15-2006, 08:35 PM
wow...when have i ever dissed milagro that badly?........:(

Blackbeltguitar
09-15-2006, 08:47 PM
Dude, you got a fish named after you. How much more honor can you get?!?!?

kutlessfan808
09-15-2006, 09:53 PM
idk.....

Aneko
09-20-2006, 03:13 PM
I'm ba-ack! ^^ now, who wants to give me hugs first??

Tromos
09-20-2006, 03:48 PM
HUGS!!!!!!


(I win :cool:)

stmomma
09-20-2006, 06:45 PM
More HUGS. Welcome back. :D

kutlessfan808
09-20-2006, 07:28 PM
I MISSED YOU....even though i barely know YOU!!!!!!!.....now we can be BEST FRIENDS.....can i have a hug...?

Blackbeltguitar
09-20-2006, 11:22 PM
Darnit Dave!!

Aneko
09-21-2006, 01:41 PM
^^ yay! <333

*hugs dave*
*hugs tina*
*hugs jd*
:-D yep, u 2 stephen! *hugs stephen*

:D

la lalalalal...

I AM AMPED ON COFFEEE RIGHT NNOW.... RAWREJO0TYHAGKJAFBUGT9RRH


WHEEE....

ok.
so i wroted --oh. meant to say--you guys utalized my thread well while i was gone, din't you? lol :-D


ok.... what was i saying?
Oh yeah--i worted -darn twitches- some bloogs while i was gone... will post them now--

Aneko
09-21-2006, 01:42 PM
9/4/06
11 am

…not to complain or anything, but I’m feeling heavily oppressed.

Alright, so…
These past what, 3 weeks, …I’ve been going out with someone new.

This is probably news to most of you, most all of you actually…
So… after putting my previous relationship on hold for awhile, I’ve been going out with another guy… a great guy… but… there’s one …small problem.

I will say this… having an online relationship isn’t the easiest…


Especially when you decide that you want to be truthful in the relationship, and that means with your parents, so you tell them and they totally flip out because ‘you’ve been lying to us for 2 how many months’ and they take away your email, limit internet, don’t let you call him on the phone, restrict communication to snail mail, tell you to send back the beautiful birthday present he sent you and say that you can’t meet him, tell his mom off, then berate you about how ‘dangerous and horrible’ the situation and you have been every time they see you, calling you a loner, and saying that ‘if you choose to go off to this guy and ruin your life then we won’t support you, we won’t fund you, all we can do is pray for you’ and say they’ll never talk to you again (basically, they’d disown you), threaten you into going to church on Sunday when you really honestly don’t feel well, go all cage on you and have to sit with you and watch you type out that fateful spread email saying ‘hello everyone. My email is being shut off tomorrow, so you have 24 hours to send me your address if you ever want to talk to me again. Goodbye’, and then change your profile password so you can never get on there again.

…yes… quite difficult.

…because it breaks your heart to hear him cry.
Because it kills you… trying to keep this relationship out in the open... to please them, and they don’t even care.
Because he is so very important to you, but they tell you your feelings aren’t real. Because they tell you that this guy you love so much is just an electronic voice, just words in an email.
Because they’re trying to hard to protect you, when they’re just pushing you further and further away.
Because they don’t know… they don’t know that you’ve thought of suicide 3 times in the past 2 days. Once with pills, once with knives, and once with glass.
Because they don’t know… that you can’t stand to live like this.

Because they don’t care how you feel.

Because they think you’re so vulnerable.
Because they think ‘you don’t understand the magnitude of this situation’.
Because they think you’re out of your head when they’re the ones completely overreacting.

Because you really, truly love this guy… but… you have to write him for 5 years because your dad won’t even consider him until then.
Because they don’t care about him at all… they don’t care about his family’s opinions.
Because they just care about you.


Yeah right.



Tell me where
My mind is moving
To places I never thought I’d go

Welcome home
I see new faces
But faces are all I really know

Maybe I’ll find
A way out of here
Darling my dear

Maybe I’ll find
Home away from home
More than ever known

I can see it

Does it feel like home?
(Does it feel like, feel like, home)
Does it feel like home?
Will I ever know what it feels like, home?

--Jonezetta, ‘Welcome Home’

Aneko
09-21-2006, 01:43 PM
9/8/06
9 13 am

Sometimes… you just want to break out…

Sometimes you just want to get away from it all…

Maybe by taking an

(endless sleep)



Or getting
(lost)
In the

(rain)

…maybe you dream your life into pictures or word, to mask the reality at hand…

Maybe
(koncrete wishes)
Are all you have…?

Maybe
(night dreaming)


Is the only hope you’re living for…


But is that truly reality? Or just what you’ve made of it?

…is there truth in anything you do?

Do you just wish it all away?

Do you run from your fear? Do you take it and bury it behind you, so you won’t see it again until you’re tripping and stumbling all over it?

Do you ignore it?

Do you live behind masks and makeup, costumes, and hidden identities?

Are you playing secret agent in a world of fake believe?



Hm. I have this grating feeling that you aren’t—


J But I am.


We live and we learn and we crash and we burn and we’re gone
We take what we know and we learn as we go and we run

Run until that day
We can see who we are
Have the final say
We can be who we are

Coz love
Lights the way
‘Till the last day

And no one can take it away

Run and hide
(Run and hide)
Don’t hide it all
(Don’t hide it all)
Change is coming
No it’s nothing personal

Live our lives
Don’t hide it all
(Don’t hide it all)
Change is coming
No it’s nothing personal…


We live and we learn and we crash and we burn and we’re gone
We take what we know and we learn as we go and we run
We live and we learn and we crash and we burn and we’re gone
We reap what we sow and we come and we go when we’re young

--Further Seems Forever, ‘Hide Nothing’

**note: the parenthesees are pix that din't show up... :( too bad... they were pretty :D

Aneko
09-21-2006, 01:49 PM
Same day
5 13 pm

…:/ you know, I hate that about myself…

How… I just… turn everything into this nice fairytale…

That isn’t real.

L

…I remember…
All my life… I’ve wanted to be loved. It’s strange… but… even in kindergarten, when I was first around other kids… I went for the boys…

:/ lol I bet a lot of you remember that first kiss on the first day of first grade, or something along those lines… J

I… I’m kind of unsure why I’ve wanted it all my life…

…I don’t know where it started… but…
I guess this is the way I am… 0.o

…^^ I was reading... what was it… 1 Corinthians 7 the other day.
^^ wow. I know, I know… I’m only 17 (birthday soon! :D yeah!) and I shouldn’t be thinking about this, right?

…well… I was thinking a lot about someone very special to me… and I felt that I had to go to the Bible for some reason…

Actually, I was looking for something else.
…but I found 1 Cor. … ^^ I’m sure now it was what God meant for me to read…

:/ it took me like a day and a half, but I finally understand…


I know… I know love. <3

But… I know that I don’t need it to know that I am already loved. ^^ by someone much bigger, much higher than people can ever be… ^^

…I understand…

L And… I am ashamed of that understanding.

Because… I never wanted to before…
I was holding back… because…
I was afraid.

Afraid to trust, afraid to be out of control…
Afraid to love…
For fear of losing the love that I’ve found…

J Now I know… that it’s all part of the test.

^^

…a test that I sadly failed the first time.

But… I’ve been given a second chance…
I can retake it… ^^ and I will retake it until I… until we pass… ^^

…L (ß you understand what that’s for… and you know who you are…)

…hey—anybody ever read this verse? (Correction—these)

James 1:2, 3
My Brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
(KJV)

James 1:12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.
(NIV)


…J That reminds me of a song… lol


…Things’ll get better this I promise you
And I know
You won’t feel this way forever

Things’ll get better this I promise you
And I know
Loneliness won’t last forever…

--Spoken, ‘Promise’

Aneko
09-21-2006, 01:50 PM
9/11/06
6 52 pm

…today, I think I’ll take some time away from my own dramatic life and think on somethings of a different nature—1, others; 2, the Bible.

Now, for one… today is the day, 5 years ago… when the US was attacked…

…and I’m not really going to say anything about it.
…Just because I don’t fully understand everything about it, and I wouldn’t want to offend anyone by saying something wrong or ignorant about it.
NO, PLEASEDONTTRYTOEXPLAINTHINGSTOME!
Thank you, but… I’ve seen and heard … enough.

So all I’m going to do is have a moment of silence for those we lost…






…For two…
I just wanted to mention, and perhaps ponder something I read a few days ago—

Philippians 1:22
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
(NIV)

Wow.

Ok, so that means… 0.o I think I need a little bit more to work with—

Phil 1: 20-26
20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body,

Woah, hey there, I’ve got to stop for a second.
‘In my body’. Hm. If you really think about that… it means that Christ can (and should… says so elsewhere in the Bible) be exalted in your actions, your words, your thoughts, your goings… wow.
…Sorry to kind of cut it off right there, but it’s like getting knocked in the head to me…

Whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me, yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.

Alright, hold it—this totally like, screams at me… 0.o
Paul is saying here that … Geez, it’d be great to go and be with Christ, forsaking this wretched world of sin and living forever with Him (paraphrasing…), but.
For the sake of the churches under his care, per say, he should live to guide his ‘younger’ brothers and sisters in Christ. Wow.
Truly a pastor acting as a shepherd to the Lord’s sheep… <3

…if you really think about it, that applies to all of us too…

…I’d like to ask, how many of you have thought of, or attempted suicide?


…just read this verse, and see what you think afterwards.
You do in fact have a responsibility to your brothers and sisters in the faith, not to mention Christ Himself.
…think on that.


25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.
(NIV)

…’to live is Christ and to die is gain’…

Is life that way for you?

Aneko
09-21-2006, 01:51 PM
9/15/06
10 35 am

(15 mins later actually)

“Seven days… You will die…”


Anybody ever heard that? 0.o it’s really freaky when you hear it on the phone…

Well, my 7 days was 2 days ago… 5 left…

…you see, the 20th is the day… ^^ I start college… :/ yay…
^^ actually, I’m looking forward to it…

…it’s a glimpse of freedom that I’ve never had…

…:/ you know… sometimes I just look at myself, what I do, and I just think… ‘geez, what a sleaze ball… I mean… come on, how totally junky was that?!’
Just like ‘>< AUGH! How can you DO that??!!’

…well, I thought that about myself a lot last night… coz I got in this huge blowup with my best friend.


…we both said some just really horrible things about and to each other…
Just like ‘you stabbed me so I’ll get you even worse’… :/ the worst thing was that our hearts… and another hung in the balance…

L I think that last night was the first time I’ve ever thought about this…
I mean, I’ve always longed for love, acceptance, the joy of another person’s company, a heart akin to mine…

But last night… I regretted the heart God gave me.
I wished away my heart, my head, …

…L I think it hurts Him to hear us wish to be without a soul.


…actually… I know it does… L I can feel His sadness right now…


…>< RAWR! I hate the struggles of sin, of selfishness…

The troubles of when your heart takes over every other thinking molecule in your body… when your brian is shoved in the closet just to remember later and regret not having him with you… L


J bet you guys are tired of my problems… but … oh well I guess… L

Well.
Who’s missed me?


Lol
…*hugs to all*


…Seriously? Love totally vacuums backwards sometimes… :/ now I don’t know if I’m just biased or what, but… really…



…:D know what? I heard a song this morning…
And it totally skewed what I’d previously been thinking about sin… my sin…
…the one I did yesterday…

:/ hm. That just made me think of pet sin, but that’s kind of another story.

Anyway…

Here’s how it goes—

It’s in You
That I can
Take this life by the hand and
Shine You for all to see…

My life is
In Your hands
I’m not my own I’m Yours and
TAKE OVER ME…

--Youth Alive, ‘Take Over’

Wow. Those… 6 little words… they just pretty much blew me out of the water… O_O

…I don’t belong to me…
J there’s a poem I wrote just awhile back…
I think it’s called ‘I’m not mine’… I’ll post it here—

This voice
It’s not mine
This choice?
Not mine either.

These feet
Nope, not mine
This week?
That’s not mine.

This page
Heh, it’s not mine
This stage?
…it’s really not mine.

This keyboard
Um… not mine
That shore?
No, it’s not mine.

Those Cheerios
Um… no.
Those clothes?
Who ever said they were mine?

This family
Isn’t mine
That tree?
…not mine.

This day
Not mine
These shoes?
Nope.

That sky?
None of it’s mine
Those stars?
Hey, they’re not mine…

And that’s all it was…
But … just think about it… ^^

…Nothing truly belongs to me…

Now think about that word—NOTHING.

…no thing is present… NOTHING.

^^ wow. <3

Blackbeltguitar
09-23-2006, 04:41 PM
I did miss you Rach.

Aneko
09-25-2006, 02:56 PM
<3 :-D missed you too... ^^ *hugs*

The Otter
09-26-2006, 12:52 AM
Life's tough... don't give up... cause think of the end of the race...

Blackbeltguitar
09-26-2006, 09:17 AM
^said the runner.

Aneko
09-26-2006, 02:55 PM
:) thanks guys... <333

Aneko
09-28-2006, 02:13 PM
alright, so i guess i'm back in the swing of things... i suppose with kutless anyway...

*sigh* what to say...

so much has been going on in my life right now...
where to start...

i guess... i'll start with music...

ok, so my fave band is retireing, one of my other fave bands broke up... which isn't so fun.
i haven't been singing much, which isn't fun at all... :(

internet's been better. at school it's easier for me to get on...

i guess now that i've been going to college i've had more freedom.
i can drive to school, and i can stay there for awhile... just relishing the freeness... i know i've been slacking already, even though it's been about a week since i started... i'm getting into the swing of things at school... but... i'm pretty apathetic about work so far. which is bad.
:/ i think my summer's been too long... :/

...since school's started i've been doing awana and big bros big sisses... which works. my classes have been pretty easy... which is good but gives me a lot of time on my hands.

...also since school's started my mom and i have been fighting more. ...maybe because she wants to keep such a tight reign on me.

...i've met some new people in my classes... they're nice... ^^ in chem 101 i have jennifer and logo... [both girls] and logo is my lab partener.
in speech 100 i have eric, a vid gam freak like me [who likes me 0.o], and elizabeth, who's nice, then adam, who's 22 and married already. then in anthro 220, i have tony, who's 28 and married with 2 kids, and katie, who's 22 and gay. ...yeah.
I've met some other people, which is nice... some my age, some not... but i think i'm getting immersed in the college social scene pretty well.

...they go in this order--of hardness, easiest first--speech, chem, and anthro.

college does have some fun stuff... :D yay. so woot.

food's ok. i get coffee sometimes... :/ and it wires me all day... usually hits during anthro or something...


...i haven't mentioned it at all yet, but... in august i guess i broke up with my boyfriend... <3 some of you know who he is, some don't, but ... it was kind of a strange transition for me... from older to younger... i still love my old bf, but ... what can i say?
...now i'm dating aaron, underoathnerd on here, and he's a sweetie. he's younger than me, which has been a sore point for my parents, but... i know that at least right now, he's best for me. <333 and i love him very much. ^^

...recently, i've been caught between him and his best friend, which is beyond dramatic, wrong, and movie like, but... what can i do.
his best friend is devin, [#1 toxic on here] and ... he and aaron are like 2 parts of the same person.
while aaron is the quiet sweet one, dev is really agressive and out there... they're like 2 halves of a whole, and i've realized that i can't live without either of them. <3 while i know that devin probably isn't the right one for me, i know that he's very important, special to me. <3
they're a pair of awesome guys that deserve the best... <3 i love em. <3

...then... there's the third aspect of this web... my old bf... he's still there for me, still loving me. <3 still there when i need him most. :) i think he's the real brians of this operation, helping me keep my head, and heart under control.

...for awhile now, maybe a few days, i've been out of The Word, praying much less often, and ignoring the One that should be most important.
:( *sigh* hate to be selfish again, but i really think i need some boosts.
i'm kinda down, depressed i guess... :/ and ... i just need support. i'm trying to figure out who i am, who i want to be... lost in who to love and who to listen to.

...i need hugs... 0.o lol

please pray for me... maybe just drop me something that says 'hey--i'm here and i care'... if you do. :)

sorry this is so long... and i'm sorry you had to read this, but... :) i just wanted to let you all know what's going on. <3

kutlessfan808
09-28-2006, 03:39 PM
lol...it IS long but im glad i read it....ill be praying for you

Blackbeltguitar
09-29-2006, 08:10 AM
That's why we're here. To listen.

Aneko
09-29-2006, 01:22 PM
<3 fanks guys... :)


...hugs?

kutlessfan808
09-29-2006, 03:41 PM
uhhh, yes ill take one plz!!!...thank you

Blackbeltguitar
09-30-2006, 08:57 PM
*hug*

Aneko
10-02-2006, 01:57 PM
:-D yay! ^^ *hugs to jd an stephen*

...so let's see... 0.o 3 things surprised me this week.
...but they're the kind of things that really SHOULDN'T surprise me... :/

...so first... last sunday.. this evangelist came to our church... an he preached on being born again...

the thing that glared at me was... i can't do anything to be born again. O_O that like drove me about nuts!
omigosh, so i can't be like 'alright mom, i want to be born again'. lol i understand that part... but the part that blew me away was that i can't just say one day 'hey, i want to be born again. so i'll do this and this and vwallah! i'm born again!' nope, i can't do ANYTHING.
i can't be like 'alright God, i want to be born again--make me that way' or 'alright, i think i'm going to be born again today'...
i. can't. do. anything.
O_O
all i can do is basically ask. and even then, it's not something i do myself... you get what i mean??

O_O so yeah... that threw me a bit...

then second, like... maybe friday night or saturday night.. there was this little pastor blurb on my radio station...
'you can't get to the kingdom just by saying 'hey, i want to get into the kingdom', no, you have to ask the King, and get to know the King, then he lets you into His kingdom...'
...O_O woah.
that struck me.
i mean... i've never really thought of it like that before... 0.o

then, last night, i was reading my devo and it said in 1 Cor. 2:2 that 'i have chosen to concentrate on Jesus and the cross...' [paraphrasing], but... wow. I was like... someone would do that?
i mean, i understand... but... i don't.
like... choose to focus on what Jesus has done... I understand that... choosing to meditate on that and not the things of the world... but... wow. someone would do that? COULD do that? wow...
who is that? Paul? wow... I understand... but...
wow. it's really something to live up to...

<3

Blackbeltguitar
10-02-2006, 05:50 PM
the thing that glared at me was... i can't do anything to be born again. O_O that like drove me about nuts!
omigosh, so i can't be like 'alright mom, i want to be born again'. lol i understand that part... but the part that blew me away was that i can't just say one day 'hey, i want to be born again. so i'll do this and this and vwallah! i'm born again!' nope, i can't do ANYTHING.
i can't be like 'alright God, i want to be born again--make me that way' or 'alright, i think i'm going to be born again today'...
i. can't. do. anything.
O_O
all i can do is basically ask. and even then, it's not something i do myself... you get what i mean??

Yeah. What you mean, is that without Christ, you can't do anything to gain salvation, or be born again!

Aneko
10-04-2006, 03:28 PM
...O_O I know...

...and... i dunno, i like being in crontrol of my life, being as it is, all of it's been controlled by my parents, so... it's hard for me to give up this new found ...fraction of control that i don't even have. 0.o

Aneko
10-06-2006, 02:49 PM
ouch.

it feels like i've just been shot.

shot through the heart.

then watching it be extracted bloodily from my chest, slowly sqeezed untill small and shriveled...

then torn to shreds.


but.
it wasn't mine to begin with.

i gave it to someone.
someone wonderful.
someone beautiful.
someone kind and loving...
someone who'd take good care of it.

then.

they really look at it.
and say 'wait. i can't trust this heart. i can't take it.'
...and squeeze it, wring it out, and throw it down, slowly ripping it in half just before dropping it.

but i can't pick it up.

i can't try to mend it.

i can't take it.

because.


it still belongs to them.

it still belongs to that beautiful, wonderful person ... that amazingly gorgeous person... that i love.

The Otter
10-06-2006, 03:34 PM
there's just a little emotion in that... People say that those who wear their hearts on their sleeves are weak... but I'm not so sure... Just know that Jesus loves you and will not let go of your heart.. now matter how much you try to rip it from him... all you will succeed in doing is ripping your hear from yourself because someone else holds it...

Blackbeltguitar
10-06-2006, 03:45 PM
Amen!

kutlessfan808
10-07-2006, 01:34 PM
it sounded a little like botfriend prob....could be wrong...i usually am...but yeah....The Otter is probly right

Aneko
10-10-2006, 11:53 PM
...thanks... and it was actually, but we got it figgered out... <3 yay... ^^


<333 you know how wonderful God is?